No news is good news... not so much
I am horribly busy with work. It is crazy. Everything is a priority, which means I have to make sure that everything is done right now... It is frustrating.
What is more frustrating is the cancer. It is back. Ric had his first yearly PET scan in September. His 6 month scan was clear, we had no reason to expect that this was going to be different. We were optimistic. The scan came back and there was a "small spot" in the lower left lobe of his lung. He was scheduled for a needle biopsy in early October. I took the day off even though my boss had said because of the grants, she didn't want me taking any time off through March. She has allowed me to take as much time as I have needed this last few weeks.
We went in for the biopsy and the machine was broken. They couldn't reschedule for another week. Talk about frustrating! Ric was convinced he would be healed by the grace of God. I wanted to have that faith. I thought I had that kind of faith. That was until the results of the scan came back. The following week he had the biopsy. We were told we would have the results in 3-4 days. A week later we still had not heard from the doctor. Ric called. I called. The doctor never called. At that point we assumed "no news is good news". "Bad news travels fast". Isn't that they way it normally is with cancer? The nurse couldn't give us the information, "the doctor had the file and he would get back to us that afternoon". We waited another 2 days and heard nothing. No news is good news.
I finally got so fed up, I told the nurse that I was going to come in to the office and take the paperwork to our doctor to have the results read. She told me she could fax the information to our doctor. She had the information in front of her all along. I had even told her what we were thinking... no news is good news. Ric received a phone call from Dr. B, the oncologist saying come in tomorrow. Ric received a call from our primary care doctor who the information was faxed to... come in this afternoon.
We went in, he told us he had called Dr. B, he was surprised we had an appointment so soon. He told us the biopsy showed cancer. The same kind that was in his neck. It was in two lymph nodes as well. To say we felt like we had been kicked in the stomach was an understatement.
The next day we went to see Dr. B. He took the file to the tumor board and they said it looked like a new primary. That was Friday. Ric started chemo on Monday. He may have to have radiation as well, but that will be determined after the next PET scan. He has already had two of the three treatments they recommended. Each is three weeks apart. He is thankfully able to work.
Unfortunately, Ric has not gotten any weight back. He weighs 127 pounds at his last appointment. Up .5 pounds from the previous appointment three weeks prior. He still has no taste buds. His remaining salivary glands do not produce enough for him to swallow easily.
We have been dealing with the cancer since February 2008. Two years. We've been married three years. Chemo wrecks havoc on a person's body. It gives them "chemo brain". The short term memory comes and goes. The hair falls out. He had hiccups... again... for a full week, 24 hours a day, no more than a second or two apart. Yeah, it sucked. The intimacy disappears. They tell us that things will get better. When?
You hear about what it does to the person going through the treatments, but do they tell you what the caregiver goes through? I feel like we are just going through the motions. That we are just together for him to have insurance. I hate feeling like this. I love my husband. I do. But I am feeling lonely. I am feeling used. I am feeling lost. I feel hate. Then I feel guilty. I have been supportive. I have put aside my feelings, my emotions, my needs because of this cancer. This thing that has destroyed our lives.
I asked Dr. B what he thought about our chances. Because this may be a new primary, even though it is the same type as was in his neck. It is in his lung, it is in two lymph nodes. He said the chances were small that this would disappear. We will probably be fighting this for a long time... God, I hope it is a long time.
How can I continue this for much longer? At the next PET scan, will there still be cancer? How about the one a year from now? I am always going to be leary of the next scan. I am not going to be able to be absolutely sure that the cancer is gone. I thought our journey on the road of cancer was going to be a success story. Even with the side effects, even with the lack of taste buds, the low protein. These last two years have sucked.
I am always going to be waiting for the next shoe to drop. I am going to be waiting for the news that we have nothing left to fight with. I am so afraid that I am going to watch my husband die like my uncle, like my friend, Marti. I am afraid that I am not going to be able to be strong.
I wonder how we are going to pay the bills. Ric is still getting social security. He is able to work sometimes. We are maxed on the cards, we have no savings. We live paycheck to paycheck. My paycheck. We are behind on bills. Chick spends more and more time with my parents. Not that she doesn't want to be here. She just doesn't like the stress of the house. She likes the fact that there is junk food, not just staples in the house. I have scrimped and saved and she is going to get the camera she wants for Christmas.
Where is my faith? Where is the belief I once had that God would be here for me?
I want to believe that we will get through this and be together for a very long time. My heart hurts. I am tired of crying. I am tired.
What is more frustrating is the cancer. It is back. Ric had his first yearly PET scan in September. His 6 month scan was clear, we had no reason to expect that this was going to be different. We were optimistic. The scan came back and there was a "small spot" in the lower left lobe of his lung. He was scheduled for a needle biopsy in early October. I took the day off even though my boss had said because of the grants, she didn't want me taking any time off through March. She has allowed me to take as much time as I have needed this last few weeks.
We went in for the biopsy and the machine was broken. They couldn't reschedule for another week. Talk about frustrating! Ric was convinced he would be healed by the grace of God. I wanted to have that faith. I thought I had that kind of faith. That was until the results of the scan came back. The following week he had the biopsy. We were told we would have the results in 3-4 days. A week later we still had not heard from the doctor. Ric called. I called. The doctor never called. At that point we assumed "no news is good news". "Bad news travels fast". Isn't that they way it normally is with cancer? The nurse couldn't give us the information, "the doctor had the file and he would get back to us that afternoon". We waited another 2 days and heard nothing. No news is good news.
I finally got so fed up, I told the nurse that I was going to come in to the office and take the paperwork to our doctor to have the results read. She told me she could fax the information to our doctor. She had the information in front of her all along. I had even told her what we were thinking... no news is good news. Ric received a phone call from Dr. B, the oncologist saying come in tomorrow. Ric received a call from our primary care doctor who the information was faxed to... come in this afternoon.
We went in, he told us he had called Dr. B, he was surprised we had an appointment so soon. He told us the biopsy showed cancer. The same kind that was in his neck. It was in two lymph nodes as well. To say we felt like we had been kicked in the stomach was an understatement.
The next day we went to see Dr. B. He took the file to the tumor board and they said it looked like a new primary. That was Friday. Ric started chemo on Monday. He may have to have radiation as well, but that will be determined after the next PET scan. He has already had two of the three treatments they recommended. Each is three weeks apart. He is thankfully able to work.
Unfortunately, Ric has not gotten any weight back. He weighs 127 pounds at his last appointment. Up .5 pounds from the previous appointment three weeks prior. He still has no taste buds. His remaining salivary glands do not produce enough for him to swallow easily.
We have been dealing with the cancer since February 2008. Two years. We've been married three years. Chemo wrecks havoc on a person's body. It gives them "chemo brain". The short term memory comes and goes. The hair falls out. He had hiccups... again... for a full week, 24 hours a day, no more than a second or two apart. Yeah, it sucked. The intimacy disappears. They tell us that things will get better. When?
You hear about what it does to the person going through the treatments, but do they tell you what the caregiver goes through? I feel like we are just going through the motions. That we are just together for him to have insurance. I hate feeling like this. I love my husband. I do. But I am feeling lonely. I am feeling used. I am feeling lost. I feel hate. Then I feel guilty. I have been supportive. I have put aside my feelings, my emotions, my needs because of this cancer. This thing that has destroyed our lives.
I asked Dr. B what he thought about our chances. Because this may be a new primary, even though it is the same type as was in his neck. It is in his lung, it is in two lymph nodes. He said the chances were small that this would disappear. We will probably be fighting this for a long time... God, I hope it is a long time.
How can I continue this for much longer? At the next PET scan, will there still be cancer? How about the one a year from now? I am always going to be leary of the next scan. I am not going to be able to be absolutely sure that the cancer is gone. I thought our journey on the road of cancer was going to be a success story. Even with the side effects, even with the lack of taste buds, the low protein. These last two years have sucked.
I am always going to be waiting for the next shoe to drop. I am going to be waiting for the news that we have nothing left to fight with. I am so afraid that I am going to watch my husband die like my uncle, like my friend, Marti. I am afraid that I am not going to be able to be strong.
I wonder how we are going to pay the bills. Ric is still getting social security. He is able to work sometimes. We are maxed on the cards, we have no savings. We live paycheck to paycheck. My paycheck. We are behind on bills. Chick spends more and more time with my parents. Not that she doesn't want to be here. She just doesn't like the stress of the house. She likes the fact that there is junk food, not just staples in the house. I have scrimped and saved and she is going to get the camera she wants for Christmas.
Where is my faith? Where is the belief I once had that God would be here for me?
I want to believe that we will get through this and be together for a very long time. My heart hurts. I am tired of crying. I am tired.
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