An Imam’s Five Languages of Love
Diaries of Imam
It is extremely important that a couple enjoy quality time with
one another, especially after having children.
Editor's note: In this piece, we continue with the second part of The Imam Who Talks About Love and Emotions.
Imam Abdullah Hasan talks about the model of Prophet Muhammad as a
husband while he introduces five methods for better interaction with
spouses.
In the coming series we will publish an account
of a Christian husband who talks about love and emotions as his
religion teaches.
Follow us!
1. Words of Affirmation - Express Your Feelings Verbally:
| Read more articles by Imam Abdullah: - Introductory to the Diaries - Lost in Translation (Diary # 1) |
The
words we use to express our appreciation and love for our spouse is of
paramount importance in our endeavour to a blissful marriage.
It
is using words to affirm the other person. Sometimes complementing your
spouse on how well she looks, or saying thank you after he has taken the
garbage out, or complimenting the wife’s cooking (even though this
particular dish is not to your taste buds. It is allowed in Islam!),
helps to achieve that goal. It could be a written word – by writing a
letter, or e-mail, text, facebook, twitter. There are many ways this can
be accomplished. For some people, and I have observed this primarily in
women, this is the best thing a husband can do for his wife.
If
your spouse’s primary love language is words of affirmation, your spoken
praise and appreciation will fall like rain parched soil. Before long,
you will see new life sprouting in your marriage as your spouse responds
to your words of love.
Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be
upon him) was once asked by ‘Amr Ibn Al ‘As, “O Messenger of Allah, who
do you love most?” Prophet Muhammad replied “Aisha.” ‘Amr then asked,
“And amongst the men,” The Prophet then said, “Her Father.” (Bukhari)
He showed his love even in her absence. Note how the Prophet said, “her father,” and related the answer back to his beloved even though he was asked about whom he loved most among the men.
Prophet
Muhammad would praise his wife in front of other people; he said that
value of Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) among women was the same
value of thareed (bread soaked in soup) compared to other foods (Narrated by Muslim).
He
(peace and blessings be upon him) declared his love for his wife
openly. The prophet said about her first wife Khadija (may Allah be
pleased with her) “I have been given her love.” (Narrated by Muslim).
He
was softly spoken. He would not censure his wives nor would did he veer
raise his voice or his hands. Kind words penetrates and leaves an
unforgettable mark that transcends anything else. This is why the wives
of the Prophet all said that they would not want to spend their time
with anyone else except the Prophet.
It also important to tell
your spouse occasionally that you love her/him. Many people, for some
reason or another, find it difficult to say ‘I love you’. Not because
they do not love their spouse but perhaps it is the way they have been
brought up or that they are following the status quo – that it is not
manly to express your love for your wife.
On the contrary, in Islam, this is the basis of chivalry and manhood as taught by the beloved prophet.
2. Acts of Service - Show Your Love Through Actions:
Ever
heard the saying “actions speak louder than words?” Using words to
express your love for your spouse is not the only way; we should prove
that we love our spouse through our actions as well as speech.
One
of the ways of showing your spouse love is beautifying yourself for
them. Ibn Abbas would always brush his hair and make sure his appearance
is pleasing before entering his home, he would say “just as I would
like me wife to beautiful for me, I like to look beautiful for her.”
(Narrated by Tirmidhi).
One can take part in beautifying their
spouse; they can brush their spouse’s hair, and apply perfume on them
just as Aisha used to do for Allah’s Messenger. A’isha (may Allah be
pleased with her) reported: When the Prophet was in the mosque he put
his head in to my place and I combed his hair. (Narrated by Muslim).
The
Prophet was described by his wife that ‘he was in the service of his
family’ (Bukhari). In other narrations, they explained that he used to
help in the house. He would sew his own clothes, sweep the floor, repair
his shoes, service himself (without asking his wives) etc.
Acts
of service can be for instance taking the garbage out, cleaning the
dishes, ironing the clothes for your spouse, or helping the wife in the
kitchen once in a while.
I have to emphasise the word ‘help’. It
does not mean he becomes the cook and she helps! Unless the
responsibilities have changed. And there is nothing wrong in the husband
cooking for the family once in a while, is it?
One of the most
important things is that one is clean so that their spouse is not
repulsed by them, the Prophet said “Verily Allah is pure and loves the
pure, is clean and loves the clean, is beneficent and loves the
beneficent, is generous and loves the generous.”
If acts of
service are your spouse’s primary love language, nothing will speak more
deeply to him or her emotionally than simple acts of service.
| The spouses should have a comprehensive outlook and prioritize the languages to suit the needs of their spouse. If someone is able to fulfil all of the basic love languages then that is better. |
3. Receiving Gfts:
‘In
every society throughout human history, gift giving has been perceived
as an expression of love. Giving gifts is universal, because there is
something inside the human psyche that says if you love someone, you
will give to him or her.
What many people do not understand is
that for some people, receiving gifts is their primary love language. It
is the thing that makes them feel loved most deeply. If you are married
to someone whose primary love language is gift giving, you will make
your spouse feel loved and treasured by giving gifts on birthdays,
holidays (`Eids), anniversaries, and ‘’no occasion’’ days.
The
gifts need not be expensive or elaborate; it’s the thought that counts.
Even something as simple as a homemade card or a few cheerful flowers
will communicate your love to your spouse. Little things mean a lot to
many people.’
4. Quality Time – Give Your Undivided Attention:
It
is extremely important that a couple enjoy quality time with one
another, especially after having children. This time can be used to
learn more about one another’s likes and dislikes; or the time can be
spent engaging in activities and hobbies that the couple enjoy together.
The
passion in most marriages dies out after a few years due to the lack of
quality time alone. Some may make the excuse that they do not find
enough time, but this quality time does can be even only an hour, you
can go out to drink coffee together (alone), or you can go for a walk in
the park. We must understand that this element of privacy is essential
in order to have a healthy, lively relationship.
This is also an
important reminder to Islamic workers. Much of their time is spent
outside teaching, giving da’wah, organising events etc. Some brothers
find it extremely difficult to find the right amount of time to give to
their wives due to the great number of commitments they have outside.
That is important and needed but if your spouse is not receiving
adequate time every week then the marriage may start to show some rifts.
This
has unfortunately happen to many brothers I know to the point that one
wife said to her husband, ‘may I check your diary so I can book some
appointments with you’?
Therefore it is very important to set
aside some time for the family. This could be by including family time
in your weekly diary.
The Prophet would allocate time and days to each one of his wives adequately and fairly.
5. Intimacy – Physical touch:
Intimacy
strengthens the bond and connection between married couples, it is a
means by which husband and wife can satisfy their desires. Intimacy is
also the means by which one can show their spouse love, and affection.
This increases the happiness, comfort and security within the marriage.
Being intimate does not just refer to sexual intercourse, it also
includes kissing, embracing, touching. Both spouses have the duty to be
sexually available to one another, and both husband and wife have the
right upon their spouse to have their conjugal rights and desires
fulfilled.
It is from the Sunnah of Allah’s Messenger to
passionately kiss one’s wife, Aisha narrates that the Messenger of Allah
would kiss one of his wives and then leave for prayer without
performing wudhu. Urwa Ibn Zubayr (her nephew) says that I asked Aisha:
“It must have been you?” (Upon hearing this) Aisha smiled.” (Tirmidhi,
Abu Dawud, Nisai)
When Aisha was asked “what was the first thing
the Prophet would do when he entered his house?” she said that the first
thing he would do was use the miswak; the ‘Ulamah commented on this and
said that it was so he could kiss her. (Bukhari)
In order to
obtain optimal results, each spouse should know what pleases their
partner, and this can only be known through communication.
The
Prophet commanded the men to fear Allah regarding women, and to treat
them with kindness because they were only made lawful to them through
the words of Allah (i.e. the marriage contract). He said: “And enjoin on
one another goodness towards women; verily they are married to you: you
have no power over them at all unless they come in for a flagrantly
filthy action; but if they are devoted to you, then seek no way against
them. And verily, you have rights over your women, and they have rights
over you.” ( Narrated by Tirmidhi).
Finally, a person’s primary
love language may be words of affirmation; it does not however mean that
a spouse only focuses on this. What it means is that he or she should
give more importance and priority to this aspect but at the same time
they should not neglect other aspects. The spouses should have a
comprehensive outlook and prioritize the languages to suit the needs of
their spouse. If someone is able to fulfil all of the basic love
languages then that is better.
So what is your love language?
Related Links:
Marital Rights in IslamThe Ideal Husband
Prophet Muhammad's Principles of Communication
Treating Your Wife: Which Example Do You Follow?
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